the wheels on the bus go round and round

497338947_640Just a line from a nursery song my 2 year old so often asks me to load on youtube. Take note that unlike most kids, we decided to let her be ipad or tablet illeterate, meaning she can’t do what other kids of the same age can on these high tech gizmos. This post is not about that by the way, i just seem to have LSS of it somewhere at the back of my head and thus i see it fitting to be the title of my post.

What’s with the title? nothing special really, in fact you could take it as it is. Like the wheels on the bus, life seems going round and round. Sometimes it’s ironic to a point. Tides can quickly change and what people hate on the past they will love in the present and hate again in the future. I think it’s a given and obvious but I just felt the need to write about it from my perspective. Fact is, the only constant in this world is change, except maybe for Einsteins speed of light equation lol.

Not to sound dramatic but in my early days as a youngster while i was growing up and battling peer pressure and fitting in and how i perceive myself as inferior to everyone in some aspects, I was someone would look at as a wasted youth. I know that’s a name of some punk band but it describes me best. Picture this, when i was in high school I always wanted to be different, it seems like i want to fit in but at the same time i don’t want to be like everyone else. Yes, confusing. Like if majority does these things then i’m not gonna do it. If these things are frowned upon by everyone or the majority considers it senseless and waste of time then that’s the one i want to do and prove to everyone that it’s not. I think complicated back in the day,  I don’t know why I cared much about the dyanamics of the society, I know that i am not alone and there are guys out there who thinks like me at some point in there life. I can’t be alone and I can’t be that special you know.

So what’s with the wheel thing? Am i saying that i am doing the complete opposite now and became a conformist and just a go with the flow guy. Partly maybe yes? My wife contributed a lot with the changes in me. My wife and my daughter actually. With them coming to my life it’s like i was drifting away to nothingness and here they come making me conform to the normal flow of life which is get some work and raise a family. At least that’s how an ideal man must live in this society. A man is judged or appreciated in his ability to provide and raise a good family. Good in the sense that your family is well-fed, and is given some of lifes pleasures from time to time, spend some vacation sometimes and the list can go on. I am not saying though that this is true for most of the societies across the world, maybe in some countries a man is judged on how many chicks he can bang on a daily basis or how much money he can spend on a weekend. I am just writing for the Filipino community or the specifically the community around me, from the people i can see and talk to and observe.

Now here’s the irony, the folks who were so conformist back in the day and seemingly like the model on how to live their youth looked like they got tired of conforming. Here’s an anecdote, i had a girlfriend back in the day who talks about his friend who she fondly kept on insisting is a model good guy. These guy takes his studies seriously, doesn’t drink on exam nights, clean formal looking, courteous and name all possible good traits you can for a role model student and he has it. Although, she admits i am way smarter than the guy lol, the smarter one is a joke. OK!? Then now, what happened to this guy? Keep in mind that i am in no way judging how this guys lives his life now and In no way i am saying that what he does now is bad, in fact i want to live the kind of life he lives sometimes lol. Picture this, this guy now posts some drinking sprees and parties. Got some tatoos. Got a new girl and i don’t know what happened to his marriage but if my memory serves me right he already got a kid and a wife. I’m saying this  because what he does nowadays is not something I would have imagined he’ll become judging from what he was back in the days when that ex girlfriend describes him to me. Keep in mind that i am not saying his life became bad but what i’m trying to point out is that the trend on his life did not continue.

The same thing can be said with me. It’s like i became non-conformist again or maybe this is true for most guys out there. Picture this, back in college or maybe mid highschool, i already started chugging down hard drinks and most at my school raised an eyebrow of my chosen activity. I also wear seemingly odd  clothes which looks dirty and unfit to anyones eyes. I cut classes and i don’t take life seriously. I even have some punk badges which clearly describes how we as a youth doesn’t have a future to look forward to. In college, i grew my hair long and focused more on skateboarding. The drinking became worst that there were days that i crawled just getting into some friends boarding house to recover. That’s the life I had and it was grimy. I did not hate it and I do not regret it that was part of I am now and it made me who i am today.

At present, when most people in my age group post some parties and drinking sprees, although i admit most of them are still without kids so maybe that kind of trigger the party spirit inside them, I’m at home maybe playing with my daughter with the time i have after spending my day in front of the computer working. While most guys gather at a party and drinking beer or hard spirits are just consider social drinking and refusing one makes you certain KJ or odd again, i took a hard decision to stop drinking anything that has alcohol within it. We’ll honestly the decision did not come from me alone, not even my wife because she does not mind me drinking as almost all guys in our family drink and it’s considered to be a form of socializing, the decision i know is influenced by God. God gave me clues that he does not want me drinking anymore, weirdly when i drink i felt some uneasiness in my stomach, like my stomach does not want any alcohol in it anymore. I prayed hard for it to go away but it did not and I even prayed to God that maybe my life is gonna end and that he’ll spare me from that day yet. I developed a paranoia and i became fearful that my day is near and that I got no chance, I prayed hard but still it did not help fear was still there. It was not until one day that i surrendered all to God, and pass him the controller and have him push the buttons in my life. I accepted the fact that i can not run my life and if I can, i’m not good at it.

There are a lot of questions with this belief or my faith. Why does God hate me drinking alcohol, i don’t know the exact answer but you very well have a clue. I am not here saying to you that my life is perfect now because I consider that God now is the driving force in my life, no way. I am a sinner and will always be a sinner and will always fall in that trap, that’s satan’s trap. But with God’s aide I am a thousand times better than the man that I was. I am weak and I need go to be strong. I am dumb and i needed God to be smart. I am wicked and I needed God to be better. I am not a saint and far from it really, but letting God enter my life or shall I say when God entered my life and showed me mercy and called me, I did not hesitate to heed his call.

Brother and Sisters(not sounding as a pastor), I believe you can do better than me. I believe most of you have a lot of goodness inside you than me. If i did it there’s no reason you can’t. Letting God to be the center of your life is a daily dedication, it’s not a one time thing. Our life is a constant struggle, you decide to follow God and heed to his call.

If you have a story to share, i’m here to listen, let’s discuss and share to everyone how God touched our lives. feel free to comment or email me at localhost@programmer.net if somehow you read this post and felt you have something to share. I’m not a pastor or anything like that, I am just a normal sinner like you willing to listen to a fellow sinner and maybe share to you personally the wonders of Gods miracle in my life.

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